At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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