I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
