I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
