I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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