I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
