oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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