HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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