I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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