i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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