Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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