I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I cannot find my penis.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
