you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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