I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I can text with my tongue
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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