At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
