Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
