I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
