Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
