yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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