We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
