You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
