Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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