Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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