I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
