Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
