but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
