i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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