I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
