Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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