i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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