I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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