Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I know her cup size but not her name....
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
