this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
