How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
