so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
