Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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