Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My balls are so social today.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
