Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
