I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
