apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
