I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
