At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize