It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
