Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
