Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize