U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
