If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
