"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
