We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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