blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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