Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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