I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
