I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
