Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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