I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Ketchup is God's man juice
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
