Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
