im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
