i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
