I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize