Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
