Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
