I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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