I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize