i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i've created a new STD.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
