I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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